Monday, November 14, 2016

Some #Jokes To Brighten Your Monday (LBE + AE&D)

Here are some jokes I heard, or read, recently, taken from various sources.

***

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.

She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today."

The first student raised her hand to volunteer.

"Marcy," the teacher said. "You may go first."

Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny."

The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?"

Kevin stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie."

"Very good," the teacher told Kevin.

Jeff was next, and he said, "My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no..."

Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.

Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The teacher called on little Johnny to go next.

Johnny said, "My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell "accountant."

***~~~***

Teacher: "Little Johnny, give me a sentence using the word, 'geometry.'"

Little Johnny: "A little acorn grew and grew until it finally awoke one day and said, 'Gee, I'm a tree.'"

***~~~***

Q: What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?

A: A tuba toothpaste.

***~~~***

Q: What do you call cheese that's not yours?

A: Nacho cheese!

***~~~***

Q: What do elves learn in school?

A: The elf-abet.

***~~~***

A nursing assistant was doing a little cleaning on a quiet afternoon. She was polishing the old brass lamp that an old lady had donated to the ward in gratitude for the fine care she had received there.

One of the floor nurses and the head nurse were nearby as the lamp suddenly produced a cloud of dark smoke, from which stepped a lady dressed in nineteenth-century nurses’ uniform.

“I am Gina the Gray Lady of the Lamp,” she said. “I am so pleased with the way you have taken care of my previous owner that I will now grant you three wishes.” With a wave of her hand and a puff of smoke, the room was filled with flowers, fruit, and bottles of fine wine, proving that she did have the power to grant wishes – before any of the nurses could think otherwise.

Speaking up, the nursing assistant wished first. “I wish I were on a tropical island beach, with a single, well-built man feeding me fruit and tending to my every need.”

With a puff of smoke, she was gone.

The floor nurse went next. “I wish I were rich, retired, and spending my days in my own warm cabin at a ski resort with a well-groomed man feeding me cocoa and doughnuts.”

With another puff of smoke, the floor nurse was gone too.

“Now what is the last wish?” asked the lady.

The head nurse said, “I want those two back on the floor at the end of their lunch break.”

***~~~***

After many years, a prisoner is finally released.

He runs around yelling, "I'm free! I'm free!"

A little kid walks up to him and says, "So what? I'm 4."

***

Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone...

“Your dog’s barking, and it’s keeping me awake,” said an angry voice.

Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.

The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back...

“Good morning, Mr. Williams," he said. "I just called to say that I don’t *have* a dog.”

***

A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ.

Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

***

After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”

“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.

“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”

***

Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.

“Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”

“But Larry’s still alive.”

“I know, but his hair is gone.”

***

In the hardware store, a clerk asked, “Can I help you find anything?”

“How about my misspent youth,” joked my husband.

The clerk shot back, “We keep that in the back, between world peace and winning lottery tickets.”

***

A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.

Finally, his exasperated partner says, “What’s taking so long? Hit the damn ball!”

The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”

“Forget it, man,” says his partner. “You’ll never hit her from here.”

***

There are three people applying for the same job. One is a mathematician, one a statistician, and one an accountant.

The interviewing committee first calls in the mathematician. They say “we have only one question. What is 500 plus 500?”

The mathematician, without hesitation, says “1000.”

The committee sends him out and calls in the statistician.

When the statistician comes in, they ask the same question.

The statistician ponders the question for a moment, and then answers “1000… I’m 95% confident.”

He is then also thanked for his time and sent on his way.

When the accountant enters the room, he is asked the same question: “what is 500 plus 500?”

The accountant replies, “what would you like it to be?”

They hire the accountant.

***

A young executive is leaving the office late one evening, when he finds the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen,” says the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?”

“Sure,” the young executive says.

He turns the machine on, inserts the paper, and presses the start button.

“Excellent, excellent!” says the CEO as his paper disappears inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”

***

Bill walks into his boss’s office one day and says, “Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I’ve got three companies after me, and I’d like to  respectfully ask for a raise.”

After a few minutes of haggling. the boss finally agrees to give him a 5% raise, and Bill happily gets up to leave.

“By the way”, asks the boss as Bill is leaving his office, “which three companies are after you?”

Bill replies, “The electric company, water company, and phone company.”

7 comments:

Jeanie said...

I'm half groaning and half laughing! These are fun -- I hope I can remember them long enough to share at Thanksgiving!

Intense Guy said...

Laffs.

I love Little Johnny jokes!

Victoria Zigler said...

Jeanie:
I hope you can remember some for Thanksgiving, and that you get some chuckles out of them.

Iggy:
Glad you enjoyed the jokes. I actually first started putting this post together in order to post the Little Johnny jokes... I know you love those.

Danielle L Zecher said...

The last one is awesome. The one about testing the dog's IQ is great too.

Victoria Zigler said...

Danielle:
I'm glad you enjoyed them.

Rita said...

Thanks so much, Tori! Just what I needed today...lots of laughs! :)

Victoria Zigler said...

Rita:
You're very welcome!