Sunday, November 27, 2011

storms; inside and out (R/WP and PTMI)

I'm laying on the sofa listening to the storm rage outside; it's nasty enough out there that I can't tell what's wind and what's roaring ocean. Kelly said that he noticed earlier the waves are so rough you can see them from the corner of our road; I asked him to get a photo later if it's still the same when it's light enough to try. I haven't been going for walks with Kelly and Kero, and not because of the weather either. I'm so drained of energy lately that I just can't do it. Kero doesn't care as long as he gets to go out; apparently his issue with going for walks with anyone other than me doesn't extend to this new place (which, I guess, is good).

The storm feels kind of appropriate, since it seems like nature is echoing how I'm feeling; although, nature seems to have more energy to express it than I do right now.

I wasn't sure if I should write this post; I tend to avoid this kind of post on my blog, since I'm sure you have better things you could be doing than reading posts like this one, but I need to vent, and I figure if you don't want to read it then you can just skip it. I wont mind; and, quite frankly, I wont blame you. So, this is the point where you might want to go and find a better post to be reading; maybe someone's shared a funny joke, an amusing story about something that happened to them recently, or an interesting article... Like I said, I wouldn't blame you for wanting to go read something else right now. Last chance; I'm about to start venting!

I've been feeling unwell - as you know - and that means I've had a lot of time to think, which is always dangerous with me; my mind usually goes off in a direction I'd rather it didn't, and I end up feeling worse inside because of what I think about.

I'm 27 years old; I got married a little over 8 and a half years ago. Yes, that's right, I was barely old enough. I don't regret it for a moment... I love my hubby, and I know he loves me; he'd give me the moon and stars if he could. But there's one thing that I wish I could change, and those who know me well will know what it is.

I want children.

We've never - even during the time just before we were married - made any attempt at preventing children from happening, and when it wasn't happening we started trying to do something about it. Only nobody can find a problem, so they go back to blaming my weight. Now, I accept that my weight isn't a good thing, but if it was only my weight then why didn't it happen when we were first married? Back then I was about the weight they said they want me to be before they'll consider IVF or anything. If it was my weight then I wouldn't have needed to go to them in the first place. But they see my weight, see the results of the tests they've done, and decide that - since the tests are providing no answers - my weight must be the issue.

Now, since I started putting on weight - which I know is due to comfort eating, and bouts of depression - I've tried everything I can think of to lose weight, but most of those things have only resulted in me gaining even more weight. Of course, all the doctors can do is tell me that if I want a baby that much I'll try harder. But I am trying; I've tried diet after diet, exercised until I'm crying from the pain, tried diet pills, etc. Sometimes I get a chunk of weight off, but then I put it back on with more added to it; I now weigh more than I did when the doctors first started blaming my weight for my fertility issues (after I'd been seeing them for a while and getting nowhere). I've begged them to keep searching for an answer, but they just say the same thing; that they can't help me if I wont help myself by losing weight, and they're sure if I just get the weight off then I wont have any issues.

I'm catching then losing really early; for a while I had them believing me, but then they did an about turn and decided it was all in my head and went back to the weight thing. I know that's what's happening though. I just can't prove it because they wont see you until you get to a certain point in pregnancy because they don't consider it worthwhile, and by the time they'll see me it's too late. But knowing this makes it more difficult; I ache to hold the children I should have by now, and can't help feeling a stab of jealousy when someone I know is blessed with a baby (especially if they already have one, since I can't help feeling it's not fair that they have more than one and I don't even have one). And when I hear of people who don't seem to want their children and/or don't care for them properly I can't help thinking that they should let me take them so I can look after them for them. I know the best place for a child is with its parents- or parent if only one can be with it - but if they don't want it, why don't they give it to someone who does? Or, better yet, take measures to prevent having it to start with.

I thought about adoption, but most adoption agencies seem reluctant to have a blind Mother take in a child; especially an infant, which is what I'd prefer to have the child from. There's private adoption, but unless it was done through someone I know rather than an agency it's quite expensive, and I'm not really in a financial position to afford something like that. Besides, even those kinds of agencies are reluctant to hand over an infant to a blind Mother. They seem to think that if you can't see then you can't care for the child (at least, that's the opinion I encountered when I looked in to it before). Besides, I really would like to have one that's part of me; one that nobody can dispute is mine (and Kelly's, obviously).

I just want to feel the joy of Motherhood; to know how wonderful it feels to have the words, "I love you, Mummy," directed at me, to be the one who can give that all important "Mummy hug" that makes a small child feel better when they're upset or unwell, and to know that feeling of pride when your child achieves important goals that make you stand up - with a smile on your face, and tears in your eyes - and say, "that's my baby; look what he/she did!" Why does it seem like I'm asking too much? I mean, is that really so much to ask?


Rita said...

I don't think weight has anything to do with it. I've known women over 300 pounds who got pregnant and had healthy babies.

I know it's probably not what you want to hear, but if both of you checked out as fertile and they couldn't find a problem...well, I have heard this so many times...that the stressing over wanting to get pregnant can sometimes prevent it for some reason.

My aunt and uncle tried for over ten years and she wanted a baby sooo badly. They finally adopted--she quit thinking about it--got pregnant with twins. And because of that happening in the family we've heard so many similar stories over the years where once they quit trying so hard and accepted maybe they wouldn't have kids, it was only then they got pregnant. I've read about it, too. Not sure why that is, but it is not uncommon. do you stop focusing on it and stressing about it? How do you accept you might not ever get pregnant? I don't know. I just don't know. Maybe hand it over to powers greater than you and let go of it? I don't know. I just don't know.

I hate to see you so depressed and frustrated. I remember watching my aunt for all the years I was growing up. I wish I could give you a hug and tell you it was all going to be alright, that you have a wonderful life right now...but I don't think you'd hear me.

Sending love and hugs!

Intense Guy said...

Rita's story happens again and again - not that you want to hear that...

I read this all the way through - and I ache for you to have that happiness you want - you would make a great mom - just look at Kero and Chance... that love is a well-spring - you would surround a child in a blanket of caring and love. There is no question at all in my mind you would be a superior to many mom.

Perhaps Rita has the "path-forward" even if not the "how to"... To ease up - you've more than a couple years left on the "clock" - so deep breath - there is time.

The new place ... ought to be a help too - perhaps what is happening is that the "universe" knows you need to learn your away around the town before you have the stroller... ? Sometimes I think there is a something underlying all things... sometimes it even knows better what is good for us than we do...

But for all that - each and everyday, I will send thoughts your way - ever hopeful that "today" is the "day" - even if its next month, next year, or somewhere down the line... that it happens. You can but prepare for that day - learning your way to places your special loved one will want to be taken...

*Huges hugs*

*I hurt when you are sad*

Diandra said...

This is a difficult topic, and I do not think anyone who has been there themselves can truly understand all the problems coming with fertility troubles.

Having said that, I see all the trouble our fertility treatment clients go to, and all the problems they face, and the burdens they choose to wear just to be with child... and my advice is: Go and seek someone who is willing to look beyond the weight issue. My sister was (and still is) overweight, and the doctors told her she would not conceive without losing weight first. It happened quickly after she and her husband decided to try a natural health cure for both of them (he is diabetic), and now she has got a beautiful daughter. I'd suggest trying to live healthier and showing the doctors that you are willing to work (and to reduce the risks that come for mother and child if the mother is heavy), but don't stop looking for other solutions.

I wish you all the best. May the goddesses take good care of you and your family.

That corgi :) said...

Oh Tori, I'm so sorry. I truly know and I truly understand your desire to have a child and be a mother and to have that love of a child. It is something special indeed. I have walked the road of infertility and I know how this affects someone with their sadness, moods, etc.

Like Rita said, there are people who adopt and then get pregnant. But there are people who adopt and don't get pregnant, that being us. We adopted two children and that is the extent of our family.

Our infertility problems were male related, won't go into a lot of that on the public blog but infertility affects the couple and it is hard to deal with.

I have no answers for you, people give good advice and I appreciated that when they did but unless they walk this road, they really do not know how it feels and the effects it has on a person.

I couldn't go to a friend's baby shower. Mother's Day was very hard for me.

I understand, Tori. I really do. You are in my thoughts as you journey this sad road.

hugs to you,


AliceKay said...

There's not much more I can add to what your friends before me have already said. I don't think it's too much to ask for, and if I were there with you, I'd give you a big hug and tell you how much I care. Please feel better soon. *HUGS*

Deanna said...

Tori, I read every word of this post. My heart goes out to you and your very real pain.

I'll echo what Rita said. I've known quite a few people who adopted because they thought they couldn't have children, and then almost immediately became pregnant. The stress of the wanting was preventing the pregnancy. I wish there was a way you could know there is time and just enjoy where you are in your life right now.

You are a very special lady and will become a wonderful mother one of these days.

Hugss to you.


spacegirl60 said...

Yes, I know of stories too where people adopt and then have their own also. Happens a lot.

Blind peole can (and do) take very well care of infants and children. My friend had a nanny who was blind for one of her daughters. It worked out very well.

Last, check to see if you have poly cycstic ovarian syndrom (PCOS). A lot of women have a hard time conceving if they have this. This is where your weight might come in. It can cause you to gain a lot of weight and have a hard time taking it off. There are blogs and facebook pages regarding this. You can add me to FB if you like.

Good luck!

Toriz said...

Thanks. *Hugs*

I've heard of that happening too; that was why I looked in to adoption, only people seem to find out I'm blind and lose interest in discussing it with me, which makes it more difficult, because it makes it feel as though adoption isn't even an option.

Thanks... *Hugs*

I hope that is the case; that I'm just meant to wait a while until I learn my way around better or something. And, I hope you're right about the fact I'd make a good Mother; hopefully one day I can find out!

Thank you; it's nice to hear someone else saying that the weight isn't the whole issue. I agree the weight would be better offof me, and I'm happy to continue trying to get rid of it (I think I should whether I want a family or not) but it would be nice if the doctors would look past it. I mean, the more they throw the words "you're fat" at me, the more I want to just crawl in to a corner with a huge stack of chocolate bars to make myself feel better, and the less likely I am to successfully get my weight down.

Thanks; and thanks for sharing your story! *Hugs*

Thank you! *Hugs*

Thanks; doing so is easier said than done though. And, I hope you're right! *Hugs*

Thank you; I needed to hear that! *Hugs*

That was one of the first things they checked for, and they re-checked earlier this year; everything is clear and normal. There's no sign of cysts or anything.

Also, thanks for visiting; I would add you to Facebook, only I don't use it any more due to navigation issues.