I'm laying on the sofa listening to the storm rage outside; it's nasty enough out there that I can't tell what's wind and what's roaring ocean. Kelly said that he noticed earlier the waves are so rough you can see them from the corner of our road; I asked him to get a photo later if it's still the same when it's light enough to try. I haven't been going for walks with Kelly and Kero, and not because of the weather either. I'm so drained of energy lately that I just can't do it. Kero doesn't care as long as he gets to go out; apparently his issue with going for walks with anyone other than me doesn't extend to this new place (which, I guess, is good).
The storm feels kind of appropriate, since it seems like nature is echoing how I'm feeling; although, nature seems to have more energy to express it than I do right now.
I wasn't sure if I should write this post; I tend to avoid this kind of post on my blog, since I'm sure you have better things you could be doing than reading posts like this one, but I need to vent, and I figure if you don't want to read it then you can just skip it. I wont mind; and, quite frankly, I wont blame you. So, this is the point where you might want to go and find a better post to be reading; maybe someone's shared a funny joke, an amusing story about something that happened to them recently, or an interesting article... Like I said, I wouldn't blame you for wanting to go read something else right now. Last chance; I'm about to start venting!
I've been feeling unwell - as you know - and that means I've had a lot of time to think, which is always dangerous with me; my mind usually goes off in a direction I'd rather it didn't, and I end up feeling worse inside because of what I think about.
I'm 27 years old; I got married a little over 8 and a half years ago. Yes, that's right, I was barely old enough. I don't regret it for a moment... I love my hubby, and I know he loves me; he'd give me the moon and stars if he could. But there's one thing that I wish I could change, and those who know me well will know what it is.
I want children.
We've never - even during the time just before we were married - made any attempt at preventing children from happening, and when it wasn't happening we started trying to do something about it. Only nobody can find a problem, so they go back to blaming my weight. Now, I accept that my weight isn't a good thing, but if it was only my weight then why didn't it happen when we were first married? Back then I was about the weight they said they want me to be before they'll consider IVF or anything. If it was my weight then I wouldn't have needed to go to them in the first place. But they see my weight, see the results of the tests they've done, and decide that - since the tests are providing no answers - my weight must be the issue.
Now, since I started putting on weight - which I know is due to comfort eating, and bouts of depression - I've tried everything I can think of to lose weight, but most of those things have only resulted in me gaining even more weight. Of course, all the doctors can do is tell me that if I want a baby that much I'll try harder. But I am trying; I've tried diet after diet, exercised until I'm crying from the pain, tried diet pills, etc. Sometimes I get a chunk of weight off, but then I put it back on with more added to it; I now weigh more than I did when the doctors first started blaming my weight for my fertility issues (after I'd been seeing them for a while and getting nowhere). I've begged them to keep searching for an answer, but they just say the same thing; that they can't help me if I wont help myself by losing weight, and they're sure if I just get the weight off then I wont have any issues.
I'm catching then losing really early; for a while I had them believing me, but then they did an about turn and decided it was all in my head and went back to the weight thing. I know that's what's happening though. I just can't prove it because they wont see you until you get to a certain point in pregnancy because they don't consider it worthwhile, and by the time they'll see me it's too late. But knowing this makes it more difficult; I ache to hold the children I should have by now, and can't help feeling a stab of jealousy when someone I know is blessed with a baby (especially if they already have one, since I can't help feeling it's not fair that they have more than one and I don't even have one). And when I hear of people who don't seem to want their children and/or don't care for them properly I can't help thinking that they should let me take them so I can look after them for them. I know the best place for a child is with its parents- or parent if only one can be with it - but if they don't want it, why don't they give it to someone who does? Or, better yet, take measures to prevent having it to start with.
I thought about adoption, but most adoption agencies seem reluctant to have a blind Mother take in a child; especially an infant, which is what I'd prefer to have the child from. There's private adoption, but unless it was done through someone I know rather than an agency it's quite expensive, and I'm not really in a financial position to afford something like that. Besides, even those kinds of agencies are reluctant to hand over an infant to a blind Mother. They seem to think that if you can't see then you can't care for the child (at least, that's the opinion I encountered when I looked in to it before). Besides, I really would like to have one that's part of me; one that nobody can dispute is mine (and Kelly's, obviously).
I just want to feel the joy of Motherhood; to know how wonderful it feels to have the words, "I love you, Mummy," directed at me, to be the one who can give that all important "Mummy hug" that makes a small child feel better when they're upset or unwell, and to know that feeling of pride when your child achieves important goals that make you stand up - with a smile on your face, and tears in your eyes - and say, "that's my baby; look what he/she did!" Why does it seem like I'm asking too much? I mean, is that really so much to ask?