Yes, I know this is my second post today; I published the other one earlier since I wasn't sure if I'd have time to do a post today. But I have time, and I wanted to write this post, so - in case you didn't notice - here I am!
I think there's something about your birthday being on the horizon that makes you think; about the past, about the present, and about the future. I've noticed it a lot with people. This is the first year my birthday approaching has really made me think though. Perhaps because I'm now entering my late 20s? Or, perhaps because of the type of ritual I did for Samhain? Perhaps a bit of both?
In my samhain ritual I - as planned - meditated on those who have passed; letting them know they were remembered, and sending out a hope that they were at peace wherever they were. But I ended up doing a bit more than that.
You see, I'm one of those who tends to prefer to work from a basic plan for a ritual, but follow my instincts as to what happens. The result being that I found myself asking for guidance from any who could offer it about a particular thing that was troubling me. It wasn't a big thing, and I'd had no intention of asking anyone for guidance, but I found myself doing so as I reached out to those who had passed on, and went withh it since it felt right. And I "knew" I was heard. I can't explain how... It was just a feeling. Then I sat up to supervise the candle as it burned, since it seemed right to me to let it burn itself out.
A couple of days ago I was thhinking about the ritual, and I was wondering what kind of sign - if any - I'd get. I knew I'd know it when I "saw" it, but I couldn't help being curious. And I went to bed that night thinking about the ritual and the thing I'd been asking for guidance withh during the ritual.
I woke a few hours later feeling as though "something" was near me. A nice something, but something. I was going to dismiss it as Kero, but I could hear him at his water bowl lapping up water; his tags on his collar making the slight chinking noise they do against the bowl. So, it wasn't Kero.
The "something" seemed to move closer; if it hadn't been such a nice feeling presence, I'd have been afraid. Then I swear I felt the silkyness of Chance's fur, and an image of him flashed in to my mind (which, by the way, isn't something I can force any more; getting a vivid image of something has to happen as it wants, and any attempts to force it leave me with only a headache). That's when I knew... Chance was there. I know they say Samhain night is the easiest time for spirits to cross over, but I guess he felt that night was a better time?
My issue was that I was confused. You see, my recent adventures in attempting to join Kelly for ritual had confused me about some things. We are both of the same path, but our way of practising is so different. It's rare for me to bother with such trivial things as names of Gods. To me it's the spirits and energy in all things around that matter. Kelly, on the other hand, needs a name to call upon. I like my ritual plans to be basic and have room to adapt as I feel is right while I'm doing them. Kelly prefers a structure, and rarely deviates from the "script" if he can help it (his apple juice substitution was a rare occurance; he usually prefers to have the exact things on the list). I never noticed them before, but it was as plain as can be when we tried to do rituals together, and one of the reasons we only did those two then decided to go back to doing our rituals as solitaries again.
So I asked for guidance; was I lost?
Anyway, as I lay there a few nights ago - not daring to move in case Chance took it as a sign to leave - the phrase "nature witch" came in to my mind. "Is that a real thing?" I wondered. "Does it matter?" came the reply. "I suppose not," I thought.
Only it bothered me, so - long after Chance's presence had left me - I was still laying there with the phrase repeating itself, "nature witch, nature witch." And I couldn't take it any longer; I had to know what would happen if I searched for "nature witch" on Google. So, I got up, turned on my laptop, and - when it finally was loaded and ready to go - typed "nature witch" in to the box up the top there.
And what, you may be wondering, came up? Well, I'll tell you...
A whole lot of things about Wicca and witches; all of which said more or less the same thing about how every wiccan/witch you meet will give you a different definition of what it is to be a wiccan/witch. How Wiccans/witches all practice differently, especially those who prefer to do their rituals as solitary activities. And about how some wiccans/witches lean more towards the Gods and Goddesses of old myths, where as others refer only to the energies in all living things and the power of the elements.
Basically, it told me what I already knew, but had forgotten in my confusion about how - having shared sources and walked our path side by side for so long - we had such different ways of practising our rituals. In short, it reminded me of how differently even the same information can be viewed, even by like-minded people.
I don't know why it felt important to share this, but it did, so I did.
Perhaps it's because of how all the thinking I was doing as my birthday approached was intertwined with my thoughts on this? Because I want to share a little about my thoughts...
In just three years time I'll be 30. I've been to Canada and Cyprus, I've owned several pets and lived in several houses, and I've been happily married now for 9 days short of eight and a half years. But I don't feel I've achieved much in my lifetime.
Yes, I know there's plenty of life in me yet, but I thought maybe I'd have done something by now. I mean, I'd hoped by now to have at least one child. I'd hoped that by my 27th birthday I'd have a littleone running in to me in the morning; perhaps with a card she or he had made for me - saying, "happy birthday Mummy," while attempting to thrust a poorly wrapped present in to my barely responding (since I'd still be half asleep) hands. But I don't... And, yes, it bugs me that I don't even have that to show for the fact I was here. I want to do something, but what?
Well, all this thinking got me thinking about the "30 before 30" list that Stephanie wrote (an idea which she got from someone else). So, I decided to write a list of my own of goals I would like to achieve by the time I reach 30. My list is shorter, but it's mine, and it works for me. Anyway, here it is; in no particular order:
1. Have a baby; everyone knows that's been on my list for a while.
2. Write a book and submit it for publication.
3. Visit Stonehenge; preferably on the Summer Solstice.
4. Join some sort of a group that I can go to regularly to mix with people; something like a drama group (since I always loved drama and would like to get back in to it) or a writing group like the one I used to be in.
5. Meet some of my online friends; I wont put a number on it, but it would be nice to at least meet one or two of the people I speak to online so often. This could be tricky due to most of them living the other side of the world to me, but I'd still like to try and achieve it.
6. Participate in some kind of big event for charity; a walk for charity, or one of those all day events for charity, or something.
7. Get myself to a point where I can take myself to town whenever I want.
I made the list its very own page, which you can see by clicking here, or clicking the link to it up with my other pages.
I'm already trying desperately to make the first one come to pass; I've even jumped off my broom with Serenity and the others in order to try and give my body the wake-up call it needs to get in shape and try and make it happen. Maybe the fact my biological clock is ticking ever closer to the time when things will become tougher - and my chances slimmer - will be enough to keep me off my broom and on my feet?
And, I still don't know why I felt the need to write this post, but I did, so I wrote it, and here it is; I hope you didn't find it too boring and rambly.
Although, the fact that reflecting on why you got off your broom was part of the challenge Serenity set last week might have been part of why I felt the need to write this post. After all, what better reason could there be than getting your body in shape to be able to try and create the greatest miracle there is... Life!