Been feeling kinda fed up and low the past few days. I think there's something in the air or something, because a lot of people seem to be feeling the same way.
I think the main reason behind how I'm feeling is my up-coming eye op. Still waiting for the appointment to see the doctor who's doing the op for the "pre-op consultation" (or whatever they call it). I wish they'd hurry up so I can stop being in so much pain, and get on with the rest of my life. I understand these things take time and all that, but... Well... This waiting is really hard.
I'm glad I've made the choice I have, because soon the pain will be over. But, I have to admit, I'm a little scared. It's not going to make all that much difference now. I mean, it's gotten to the point where all I can see is light anyway. But it's just so much to take in. This time last year I was just having a little trouble with my eye - hardly more than I'd had all my life - and I was putting it down to tiredness. It was only last September I was forced to finally accept the truth. Now, I'm waiting for a letter that will bring me one step closer to the day when my world will become dark, and stay that way forever.
I've asked myself several times why I'm so eager to have the op over with when that's what it means. You'd think I'd want to put it off as long as I can, wouldn't you? But, no! I want it to hurry up and happen. Why? Well, funnily enough, answering that question is the easiest part of this whole thing. It's because I've had enough!
All my life there's been pain. Never as much as now, but always some. Until last September it wasn't constant, and could be explained by weather conditions, tiredness, etc. It could also be eased (in some cases actually stopped for a while) by drops or a cold, wet cloth. But since September the pain's been constant. It was worth it before because the eye still worked. What's a bit of pain when I was cheating fate? The doctors had told me I'd be blind before I hit 16. So, what was a bit of pain when I was proving them wrong? But now... Well... Why should I put up with the pain now when the sight is gone and nothing's going to bring it back?
That's why I want the op to hurry up and happen. Because I've had enough!
I don't want to be in pain any more!