I had planned on posting this sooner, but other things got posted instead, and then things happened... Well, you know how it is. Anyway, before I can tell those of you curious about what others get up to what I've actually been up to, I need to get this posted. Partly because I want it out of the way, and partly because the events of this past week need to be posted after this post. Confused yet? Don't worry, you soon wont be!
Back in October when I went to the Gynaecologist I was given some tablets and a possible cause for my continued failure in my attempts to become pregnant. I was also given a promise of a definate appointment in January to review the success - or lack of, whatever the case may be - of the tablets. Well, January came and went with no appointment, so I phoned them to ask for one. They told me they'd send me one, but - knowing their lack of success in keeping to that in the past - I insisted on having one made for me, refusing to have my demands ignored. Eventually the receptionist gave in, and an appointment was made over the phone there and then. The appointment was for last Thursday (exactly a week ago today).
To cut a long story short... And avoid going in to too much detail... The tablet trial seems to have achieved very little, and they're back to blaming my weight again, and insisting that if I lose x amount of weight then I will immediately find myself with no issues.
Now, I completely agree that I need to lose weight. In fact, I'll be the first to admit that - whether I'm planning on trying to get pregnant or not - I need to lose quite a bit of weight. My issue isn't with them telling me I need to lose weight. No. My issue is that: Plenty of people heavier than me get pregnant without any trouble at all, so it isn't fair to completely blame my weight for the lack of success. Also, lastt time they said they may have another possible cause - meaning the thin womb lining - which may explain my lack of success with becoming pregnant thus far, so why all of a sudden is it back to just being my weight that's causing the problems for me? I feel like they're just plucking at straws, but they haven't a clue, and my weight being far more than it should be is just a perfect excuse for them, which everyone accepts without them having to spend money checking for anything else, or paying for treatments. That's what my issue is really. Well, that and the fact that I felt like I was being ganged up on by everyone on the matter. Everyone was acting like I didn't notice - or care about - my weight, and they seemed to be under the impression that I needed a full blown lecture on the matter in order to persuade me that I needed to lose weight. This isn't the case though. I mean, I've been saying on and off on here about my weight... Mentioning how badly I need to get the weight off, trying different things to achieve it, etc. I know I need the weight off... And I want the extra weight off... So why do people seem to think I don't care? I do care... I'd love to be the weight they want me to be rather than the weight I am! But while I was sat there I felt like I was under attack. I felt like I was being accused of something awful. And, most of all, I felt like a worthless, fat lump!
What people don't seem to think about is that the more you hastle someone about how they're too fat and need to lose weight, the more it bothers them, and the more it makes them want to just crawl in to a dark corner with a huge bar of chocolate to eat it while they cry about what a horrible, fat, ugly lump they are. And that's what I felt like doing after that appointment. I didn't do it, but it was what I wanted to do more than anything else in the world at that moment in time, because I felt so depressed about it all.
I'm not saying my weight isn't at least partly responsible for my lack of success at getting pregnant. In fact, I wouldn't be all that surprised to find out that it was the whole cause. My point is that the more people are hastling me on the subject, the more depressed I'm becoming about it all, and the more weight I'm actually ending up putting on.
Anyway, I do intend doing something about my weight... I'd already said recently on here that I really need to do something about it... I just needed to have this rant, and point out to people that I need to do this in my own way, and I need to do it by finding a healthier way of eating and doing more activity, and not by having diets and gym memberships thrown at me from every angle. For one thing, if I don't do it my way, I'll never stick to it, for another thing... I don't do diets, because I don't do well with being told I can't have this or that when I want it. And I don't do gyms, because I can't use the equipment properly, plus I refuse to pay a gym membership just to be a side show for those other gym members who are too damn rude to realise that just because I'm blind doesn't mean that I'm there for their viewing pleasure (and just because I can't see them staring, doesn't mean I don't know that they are, because I'm only blind, not stupid!)
The Gynaecologist said I'll get another appointment in three months and need to have lost at least close to 2 stone (28lbs) before then, or I shouldn't bother turning up, and should reschedule the appointment for a few months later. Apparently this is to give me a goal date to give me insentive to hurry up and lose the weight, but it actually feels more like extra pressure that I could do without, because we're only a week in to the time, and I'm already stressing over whether or not I can lose enough weight by then!