Can I tell you a vegan joke? I promise it won’t be cheesy.
***~~~***
Q: What do you call it when one chickpea murders another?
A: A hummus-cide.
***~~~***
Q: Why did the tofu cross the road?
A: To prove he wasn’t chicken.
***~~~***
Q: Why did the tomato blush?
A: Because he saw the salad dressing.
***~~~***
Q: What did the lettuce say to the celery?
A: Are you stalking me?
***~~~***
Q: What does a vegetarian zombie eat?
A: GgggrrrRRAAIIiinnnNNnnSss!
Showing posts with label Just A Joke. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Just A Joke. Show all posts
Thursday, October 11, 2018
Thursday, July 26, 2018
Laughter Lines - Just A #Joke
I put this post together to fill one of my Sunday slots a few weeks ago, but since then have had enough other stuff to post that I've already rescheduled it several times. I think it's about time it got posted, so I'm posting it today.
The following jokes were taken from among those in the Smorgasbord Laughter Lines catagory of Smorgasbord – Variety is the spice of life. Check out the rest by reading the posts in that catagory.
***~~~***
A man is looking through a cemetery when he hears some music. He looks around to see who is playing it but can’t see anyone. Searching for the source, he finally finds it coming from a grave with a headstone that reads:
Ludwig van Beethoven 1770-1827
Then he realizes the music is Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony and is being played backward.
Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the Seventh Symphony is playing, also backward.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed. By the next day, the word has spread and a crowd has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then, the graveyard’s caretaker ambles up to the group.
Someone asks him if he has an explanation for all of this. “I would have thought it was obvious,” he replied. “He’s decomposing.”
***~~~***
A man joins a Trappist order and is told that he is allowed to say just two words every five years.
After five years he speaks his two words to his superiors. ‘Bed hard,’ he says. He is promised the problem will be looked into.
Another five years passes and this time his two words are: ‘Food cold.’ Again his
superiors promise to take care of the problem.
Five years later his two words are ‘I quit’.
His superiors look at each other wearily. ‘We are not in the least bit surprised,' they reply. 'You have done nothing but complain for the last fifteen years!’
***~~~***
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define “Great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
***~~~***
“In English,” the English professor said, “A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
***~~~***
A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.”
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”
***~~~***
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.
“What are you doing?” his mother asked.
“The box says you can’t eat them if the seal is broken,” the boy explained. “I’m looking for the seal.”
The following jokes were taken from among those in the Smorgasbord Laughter Lines catagory of Smorgasbord – Variety is the spice of life. Check out the rest by reading the posts in that catagory.
***~~~***
A man is looking through a cemetery when he hears some music. He looks around to see who is playing it but can’t see anyone. Searching for the source, he finally finds it coming from a grave with a headstone that reads:
Ludwig van Beethoven 1770-1827
Then he realizes the music is Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony and is being played backward.
Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the Seventh Symphony is playing, also backward.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed. By the next day, the word has spread and a crowd has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then, the graveyard’s caretaker ambles up to the group.
Someone asks him if he has an explanation for all of this. “I would have thought it was obvious,” he replied. “He’s decomposing.”
***~~~***
A man joins a Trappist order and is told that he is allowed to say just two words every five years.
After five years he speaks his two words to his superiors. ‘Bed hard,’ he says. He is promised the problem will be looked into.
Another five years passes and this time his two words are: ‘Food cold.’ Again his
superiors promise to take care of the problem.
Five years later his two words are ‘I quit’.
His superiors look at each other wearily. ‘We are not in the least bit surprised,' they reply. 'You have done nothing but complain for the last fifteen years!’
***~~~***
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define “Great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
***~~~***
“In English,” the English professor said, “A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
***~~~***
A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.”
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”
***~~~***
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.
“What are you doing?” his mother asked.
“The box says you can’t eat them if the seal is broken,” the boy explained. “I’m looking for the seal.”
Wednesday, January 24, 2018
#Writing Wednesday - January 24th 2018
I've done a lot of writing related work during this past week, but very little actual writing, since I haven't really worked on the writing projects I actually want to be working on. It's frustrating, but the other tasks did need to be done, since they're an important part of the writing and publishing process, and it does feel good to get them out of the way. Yes, I could ignore them and just write. But then I wouldn't be sharing my stories and poems with the world like I am, and that would be sad, because stories and poems should be shared. At least, I think they should be. So I spent the past week working on the things I put in the "publisher tasks" catagory.
I got my profiles updated, and now they mention audio books instead of just eBooks and paperbacks. Then I sent the updates for my website to the person in charge of dealing with that (I do my social media accounts and blog myself, but am not personally responsible for maintaining my actual website). I also changed the links on my books' Smashwords pages so they have Amazon links in place of the CreateSpace eStore one, since - as I mentioned in previous posts - CreateSpace are no longer selling books directly from their own site. Plus, while I was on Smashwords sorting things, I updated my Smashwords interview. After that, I got more of my books set up for audio production, and even arranged who would be narrating some of them. Considering I've also written several blog posts, and managed to keep my inbox mostly under control... I even cleared it at one point... I think that counts as being a pretty productive week... Even if I still didn't spend as much time on the actual writing part as I'd hoped to.
So... All the stories I hadn't yet made available in audio are now in various stages of production, ranging from accepting auditions to heading for retail. I'll deal with setting up the project pages for my poetry books later.
Speaking of my audio books: "Cubby And The Beanstalk" is now available in audio - in case you missed that post. You can buy the audio version from Audible, Amazon, and iTunes; see the post I just linked to for links. The narrator is JD Kelly, who you can read more about in his recent narrator interview.
Like I said, it's been a pretty productive week... Even if actual writing time has been a bit thin on the ground, so to speak. I was being rather critical of myself, and struggling to feel positive about it due to not having done the thing I really wanted to do, despite the fact dealing with all the stuff took up most of my waking hours during the past week. But seeing it all written down in this post, and realizing just how much I actually did do, made me realize I actually achieved a lot. Maybe I should reward myself? Or maybe I'll just go for a nap...
You know, it's so easy to be critical of yourself and your own work. Do you find that? Is that critical voice getting in your way when it comes to coming up with story ideas? Don't worry. Just check out this post on keeping a dream journal, and using it to generate ideas. There are several other great posts among those for this year's STORYSTORM, so you may want to check those out too... Assuming you haven't already been doing so. And, hey, if you're participating in STORYSTORM 2018 and don't have as many ideas as you should have, remember that it's ok to fail.
OK, so you've got your idea(s). Good for you! Time to write! Oh, you can't concentrate? No problem. Just check out these tips to help you concentrate while writing. Better? If so, great! If not, I hope you find something that works for you.
Either way, do you want to inject some comedy in to your writing? Then read this post on the art of bantering for some tips on how to keep it fun - and entertaining - rather than hurtful. Unless insults your readers will find amusing - even if the characters don't - is what you were going for, in which case the post will be advice on what to avoid. Either way, you should consider the difference between playful banter and insults, and make sure to use the right one to get your message across, giving some consideration to the relationships between your characters when doing so.
Speaking of your characters: here are some ways you can choose a name for your characters, as well as some tips on describing your characters' physical appearance. Rachel has several other posts about creating characters and character development, so you may like to check those out.
Are you writing a series of books? Or, perhaps, you've already written one? Either way, check out this post for some tips on promoting a book series.
Whether it's a series or not though, here are some tips on figuring out your idea's potential marketability.
When the day comes that you reach the turning point you weren't expecting - and, yes, I do mean "when" not "if" - only you can decide how to go on. What will you choose? Whatever you choose, write the kind of content you enjoy reading whenever you can.
Finally, here are seven tips to being an indie author - in case you're planning on going that route when publishing your book, but new to the world of self-publishing.
I got my profiles updated, and now they mention audio books instead of just eBooks and paperbacks. Then I sent the updates for my website to the person in charge of dealing with that (I do my social media accounts and blog myself, but am not personally responsible for maintaining my actual website). I also changed the links on my books' Smashwords pages so they have Amazon links in place of the CreateSpace eStore one, since - as I mentioned in previous posts - CreateSpace are no longer selling books directly from their own site. Plus, while I was on Smashwords sorting things, I updated my Smashwords interview. After that, I got more of my books set up for audio production, and even arranged who would be narrating some of them. Considering I've also written several blog posts, and managed to keep my inbox mostly under control... I even cleared it at one point... I think that counts as being a pretty productive week... Even if I still didn't spend as much time on the actual writing part as I'd hoped to.
So... All the stories I hadn't yet made available in audio are now in various stages of production, ranging from accepting auditions to heading for retail. I'll deal with setting up the project pages for my poetry books later.
Speaking of my audio books: "Cubby And The Beanstalk" is now available in audio - in case you missed that post. You can buy the audio version from Audible, Amazon, and iTunes; see the post I just linked to for links. The narrator is JD Kelly, who you can read more about in his recent narrator interview.
Like I said, it's been a pretty productive week... Even if actual writing time has been a bit thin on the ground, so to speak. I was being rather critical of myself, and struggling to feel positive about it due to not having done the thing I really wanted to do, despite the fact dealing with all the stuff took up most of my waking hours during the past week. But seeing it all written down in this post, and realizing just how much I actually did do, made me realize I actually achieved a lot. Maybe I should reward myself? Or maybe I'll just go for a nap...
You know, it's so easy to be critical of yourself and your own work. Do you find that? Is that critical voice getting in your way when it comes to coming up with story ideas? Don't worry. Just check out this post on keeping a dream journal, and using it to generate ideas. There are several other great posts among those for this year's STORYSTORM, so you may want to check those out too... Assuming you haven't already been doing so. And, hey, if you're participating in STORYSTORM 2018 and don't have as many ideas as you should have, remember that it's ok to fail.
OK, so you've got your idea(s). Good for you! Time to write! Oh, you can't concentrate? No problem. Just check out these tips to help you concentrate while writing. Better? If so, great! If not, I hope you find something that works for you.
Either way, do you want to inject some comedy in to your writing? Then read this post on the art of bantering for some tips on how to keep it fun - and entertaining - rather than hurtful. Unless insults your readers will find amusing - even if the characters don't - is what you were going for, in which case the post will be advice on what to avoid. Either way, you should consider the difference between playful banter and insults, and make sure to use the right one to get your message across, giving some consideration to the relationships between your characters when doing so.
Speaking of your characters: here are some ways you can choose a name for your characters, as well as some tips on describing your characters' physical appearance. Rachel has several other posts about creating characters and character development, so you may like to check those out.
Are you writing a series of books? Or, perhaps, you've already written one? Either way, check out this post for some tips on promoting a book series.
Whether it's a series or not though, here are some tips on figuring out your idea's potential marketability.
When the day comes that you reach the turning point you weren't expecting - and, yes, I do mean "when" not "if" - only you can decide how to go on. What will you choose? Whatever you choose, write the kind of content you enjoy reading whenever you can.
Finally, here are seven tips to being an indie author - in case you're planning on going that route when publishing your book, but new to the world of self-publishing.
Monday, November 14, 2016
Some #Jokes To Brighten Your Monday (LBE + AE&D)
Here are some jokes I heard, or read, recently, taken from various sources.
***
Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.
She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today."
The first student raised her hand to volunteer.
"Marcy," the teacher said. "You may go first."
Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny."
The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?"
Kevin stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie."
"Very good," the teacher told Kevin.
Jeff was next, and he said, "My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no..."
Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.
Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The teacher called on little Johnny to go next.
Johnny said, "My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell "accountant."
***~~~***
Teacher: "Little Johnny, give me a sentence using the word, 'geometry.'"
Little Johnny: "A little acorn grew and grew until it finally awoke one day and said, 'Gee, I'm a tree.'"
***~~~***
Q: What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?
A: A tuba toothpaste.
***~~~***
Q: What do you call cheese that's not yours?
A: Nacho cheese!
***~~~***
Q: What do elves learn in school?
A: The elf-abet.
***~~~***
A nursing assistant was doing a little cleaning on a quiet afternoon. She was polishing the old brass lamp that an old lady had donated to the ward in gratitude for the fine care she had received there.
One of the floor nurses and the head nurse were nearby as the lamp suddenly produced a cloud of dark smoke, from which stepped a lady dressed in nineteenth-century nurses’ uniform.
“I am Gina the Gray Lady of the Lamp,” she said. “I am so pleased with the way you have taken care of my previous owner that I will now grant you three wishes.” With a wave of her hand and a puff of smoke, the room was filled with flowers, fruit, and bottles of fine wine, proving that she did have the power to grant wishes – before any of the nurses could think otherwise.
Speaking up, the nursing assistant wished first. “I wish I were on a tropical island beach, with a single, well-built man feeding me fruit and tending to my every need.”
With a puff of smoke, she was gone.
The floor nurse went next. “I wish I were rich, retired, and spending my days in my own warm cabin at a ski resort with a well-groomed man feeding me cocoa and doughnuts.”
With another puff of smoke, the floor nurse was gone too.
“Now what is the last wish?” asked the lady.
The head nurse said, “I want those two back on the floor at the end of their lunch break.”
***~~~***
After many years, a prisoner is finally released.
He runs around yelling, "I'm free! I'm free!"
A little kid walks up to him and says, "So what? I'm 4."
***
Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone...
“Your dog’s barking, and it’s keeping me awake,” said an angry voice.
Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.
The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back...
“Good morning, Mr. Williams," he said. "I just called to say that I don’t *have* a dog.”
***
A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ.
Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
***
After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”
“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.
“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”
***
Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.
“Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”
“But Larry’s still alive.”
“I know, but his hair is gone.”
***
In the hardware store, a clerk asked, “Can I help you find anything?”
“How about my misspent youth,” joked my husband.
The clerk shot back, “We keep that in the back, between world peace and winning lottery tickets.”
***
A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.
Finally, his exasperated partner says, “What’s taking so long? Hit the damn ball!”
The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”
“Forget it, man,” says his partner. “You’ll never hit her from here.”
***
There are three people applying for the same job. One is a mathematician, one a statistician, and one an accountant.
The interviewing committee first calls in the mathematician. They say “we have only one question. What is 500 plus 500?”
The mathematician, without hesitation, says “1000.”
The committee sends him out and calls in the statistician.
When the statistician comes in, they ask the same question.
The statistician ponders the question for a moment, and then answers “1000… I’m 95% confident.”
He is then also thanked for his time and sent on his way.
When the accountant enters the room, he is asked the same question: “what is 500 plus 500?”
The accountant replies, “what would you like it to be?”
They hire the accountant.
***
A young executive is leaving the office late one evening, when he finds the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
“Listen,” says the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?”
“Sure,” the young executive says.
He turns the machine on, inserts the paper, and presses the start button.
“Excellent, excellent!” says the CEO as his paper disappears inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”
***
Bill walks into his boss’s office one day and says, “Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I’ve got three companies after me, and I’d like to respectfully ask for a raise.”
After a few minutes of haggling. the boss finally agrees to give him a 5% raise, and Bill happily gets up to leave.
“By the way”, asks the boss as Bill is leaving his office, “which three companies are after you?”
Bill replies, “The electric company, water company, and phone company.”
***
Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.
She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today."
The first student raised her hand to volunteer.
"Marcy," the teacher said. "You may go first."
Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny."
The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?"
Kevin stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie."
"Very good," the teacher told Kevin.
Jeff was next, and he said, "My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no..."
Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.
Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The teacher called on little Johnny to go next.
Johnny said, "My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell "accountant."
***~~~***
Teacher: "Little Johnny, give me a sentence using the word, 'geometry.'"
Little Johnny: "A little acorn grew and grew until it finally awoke one day and said, 'Gee, I'm a tree.'"
***~~~***
Q: What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?
A: A tuba toothpaste.
***~~~***
Q: What do you call cheese that's not yours?
A: Nacho cheese!
***~~~***
Q: What do elves learn in school?
A: The elf-abet.
***~~~***
A nursing assistant was doing a little cleaning on a quiet afternoon. She was polishing the old brass lamp that an old lady had donated to the ward in gratitude for the fine care she had received there.
One of the floor nurses and the head nurse were nearby as the lamp suddenly produced a cloud of dark smoke, from which stepped a lady dressed in nineteenth-century nurses’ uniform.
“I am Gina the Gray Lady of the Lamp,” she said. “I am so pleased with the way you have taken care of my previous owner that I will now grant you three wishes.” With a wave of her hand and a puff of smoke, the room was filled with flowers, fruit, and bottles of fine wine, proving that she did have the power to grant wishes – before any of the nurses could think otherwise.
Speaking up, the nursing assistant wished first. “I wish I were on a tropical island beach, with a single, well-built man feeding me fruit and tending to my every need.”
With a puff of smoke, she was gone.
The floor nurse went next. “I wish I were rich, retired, and spending my days in my own warm cabin at a ski resort with a well-groomed man feeding me cocoa and doughnuts.”
With another puff of smoke, the floor nurse was gone too.
“Now what is the last wish?” asked the lady.
The head nurse said, “I want those two back on the floor at the end of their lunch break.”
***~~~***
After many years, a prisoner is finally released.
He runs around yelling, "I'm free! I'm free!"
A little kid walks up to him and says, "So what? I'm 4."
***
Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone...
“Your dog’s barking, and it’s keeping me awake,” said an angry voice.
Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.
The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back...
“Good morning, Mr. Williams," he said. "I just called to say that I don’t *have* a dog.”
***
A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ.
Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
***
After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”
“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.
“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”
***
Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.
“Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”
“But Larry’s still alive.”
“I know, but his hair is gone.”
***
In the hardware store, a clerk asked, “Can I help you find anything?”
“How about my misspent youth,” joked my husband.
The clerk shot back, “We keep that in the back, between world peace and winning lottery tickets.”
***
A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.
Finally, his exasperated partner says, “What’s taking so long? Hit the damn ball!”
The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”
“Forget it, man,” says his partner. “You’ll never hit her from here.”
***
There are three people applying for the same job. One is a mathematician, one a statistician, and one an accountant.
The interviewing committee first calls in the mathematician. They say “we have only one question. What is 500 plus 500?”
The mathematician, without hesitation, says “1000.”
The committee sends him out and calls in the statistician.
When the statistician comes in, they ask the same question.
The statistician ponders the question for a moment, and then answers “1000… I’m 95% confident.”
He is then also thanked for his time and sent on his way.
When the accountant enters the room, he is asked the same question: “what is 500 plus 500?”
The accountant replies, “what would you like it to be?”
They hire the accountant.
***
A young executive is leaving the office late one evening, when he finds the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
“Listen,” says the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?”
“Sure,” the young executive says.
He turns the machine on, inserts the paper, and presses the start button.
“Excellent, excellent!” says the CEO as his paper disappears inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”
***
Bill walks into his boss’s office one day and says, “Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I’ve got three companies after me, and I’d like to respectfully ask for a raise.”
After a few minutes of haggling. the boss finally agrees to give him a 5% raise, and Bill happily gets up to leave.
“By the way”, asks the boss as Bill is leaving his office, “which three companies are after you?”
Bill replies, “The electric company, water company, and phone company.”
Saturday, March 19, 2016
A few #jokes for you (AE&D)
Little Johnny and his family were sat around the table. When dinner was served, Little Johnny immediately started eating.
"Johnny, you have to say your prayers first," his Mother scolded.
"No, I don't," replied Little Johnny.
"Yes, you do," said his Mother. "We always say prayers before eating at our house."
"I know," replied Little Johnny. "But this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook."
***~~~***
An old man and his friend were out for a walk in the countryside.
"Look at that group of cows," said the old man.
"Herd," said his friend.
"Heard what?" asked the old man.
"Herd of cows," replied his friend.
"Of course I've heard of cows," the old man replied irritably.
"I mean, the cows are in a herd" his friend explained patiently.
"What do I care what the cows heard?" snapped the old man.
At this point, his friend gave up.
***~~~***
A man had been contemplating the world’s population.
"It’s amazing," he told his friend. "Every time I breathe in and out someone dies."
"Have you tried mouthwash?" asked his friend.
***~~~***
“Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home,” said the patient.
“That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome,” replied the doctor.
“Is it common? ” the patient asked.
“It’s not unusual,” the doctor said.
***~~~***
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, that’s a hardware problem.
***~~~***
The three stages of life:
Youth: plenty of time and energy, but no money.
Adulthood: plenty of energy and money, but no time.
Old age: plenty of time and money, but no energy.
"Johnny, you have to say your prayers first," his Mother scolded.
"No, I don't," replied Little Johnny.
"Yes, you do," said his Mother. "We always say prayers before eating at our house."
"I know," replied Little Johnny. "But this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook."
***~~~***
An old man and his friend were out for a walk in the countryside.
"Look at that group of cows," said the old man.
"Herd," said his friend.
"Heard what?" asked the old man.
"Herd of cows," replied his friend.
"Of course I've heard of cows," the old man replied irritably.
"I mean, the cows are in a herd" his friend explained patiently.
"What do I care what the cows heard?" snapped the old man.
At this point, his friend gave up.
***~~~***
A man had been contemplating the world’s population.
"It’s amazing," he told his friend. "Every time I breathe in and out someone dies."
"Have you tried mouthwash?" asked his friend.
***~~~***
“Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home,” said the patient.
“That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome,” replied the doctor.
“Is it common? ” the patient asked.
“It’s not unusual,” the doctor said.
***~~~***
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, that’s a hardware problem.
***~~~***
The three stages of life:
Youth: plenty of time and energy, but no money.
Adulthood: plenty of energy and money, but no time.
Old age: plenty of time and money, but no energy.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Silly little Easter joke
I know Easter is over now, but I found this in my inbox last night and couldn't resist sharing it. It's a silly little joke, but... *Shrugs*...
Q: How many Easter bunnies can you fit in an empty Easter basket?
A: Only 1, because after that the basket is no longer empty.
I told you it was a silly joke; I couldn't resist sharing it though!
Q: How many Easter bunnies can you fit in an empty Easter basket?
A: Only 1, because after that the basket is no longer empty.
I told you it was a silly joke; I couldn't resist sharing it though!
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Why didn't the chicken cross the road?
I was originally going to wait for Iggy to get a chance to sort these photos before I mentioned the fact I managed to extend my walk a little. But I changed my mind when the post I wrote on Sunday seemed to cry out for the walk information to be added. So, as a result, you are getting the photos seporate from the text. It doesn't matter though, you're still getting both. Besides, there's more to the text. So...
I began my walk as normal, taking my camera because it was one of those beautiful days you tend to get some time in Autumn... You know? The days that remind you of Summer, and give you another chance to enjoy the sunshine before Winter shows up. Anyway, I wasn't sure what I'd planned to photograph, but I could hear a plane, so I decided to try and track its progress. I sort of got a shot of it in the distance, but didn't get a decent shot of it.
Anyway, I continued my walk, taking a couple of shots of the trees along the way, just for a, "here's what our walk looks like during October," type of photo shoot.
Then I got to the end of the path.
I'd just been reading certain posts that made me think, and a piece of one of them hit me at that moment. It was a part of the post where the old, "why did the chicken cross the road?" "To get to the other side," joke was mentioned. I remembered then another version of the joke, one made up by a little girl I knew - or, possibly not made up by her, but I only ever remember her saying it - when I wasn't interested in hearing that chicken joke again. She told me she had a new one, so I allowed her to tell me:
"Why didn't the chicken cross the road?"
"I don't know... Why?"
"Because it was too much of a chicken!"
Not really all that funny - unless you're about 5 years old - but it obviously stuck in my mind, and I remembered it then.
Anyway, I decided that this chicken needed to stop being such a chicken. So I took a deep breath, looked for something to follow with my cane (finding a perfect low wall).
And walked to the bridge that the river goes under.
Now, I could have continued up the road, or gone back and gone the other way down the road.
Or, I could have been the chicken who crossed the road.
Or, I could have been a brave little chicken and walked in to town.
But then a nasty leaf monster snuck up on me, so Kero and I came home instead.
So, why didn't the chicken cross the road?
Because she was attacked by a vicious leaf monster!
I began my walk as normal, taking my camera because it was one of those beautiful days you tend to get some time in Autumn... You know? The days that remind you of Summer, and give you another chance to enjoy the sunshine before Winter shows up. Anyway, I wasn't sure what I'd planned to photograph, but I could hear a plane, so I decided to try and track its progress. I sort of got a shot of it in the distance, but didn't get a decent shot of it.
Anyway, I continued my walk, taking a couple of shots of the trees along the way, just for a, "here's what our walk looks like during October," type of photo shoot.
Then I got to the end of the path.
I'd just been reading certain posts that made me think, and a piece of one of them hit me at that moment. It was a part of the post where the old, "why did the chicken cross the road?" "To get to the other side," joke was mentioned. I remembered then another version of the joke, one made up by a little girl I knew - or, possibly not made up by her, but I only ever remember her saying it - when I wasn't interested in hearing that chicken joke again. She told me she had a new one, so I allowed her to tell me:
"Why didn't the chicken cross the road?"
"I don't know... Why?"
"Because it was too much of a chicken!"
Not really all that funny - unless you're about 5 years old - but it obviously stuck in my mind, and I remembered it then.
Anyway, I decided that this chicken needed to stop being such a chicken. So I took a deep breath, looked for something to follow with my cane (finding a perfect low wall).
And walked to the bridge that the river goes under.
Now, I could have continued up the road, or gone back and gone the other way down the road.
Or, I could have been the chicken who crossed the road.
Or, I could have been a brave little chicken and walked in to town.
But then a nasty leaf monster snuck up on me, so Kero and I came home instead.
So, why didn't the chicken cross the road?
Because she was attacked by a vicious leaf monster!
Sunday, February 07, 2010
Joke: Lady phones her local hospital
A 75 Year Old Lady rings her local NHS hospital and this conversation follows:
"Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?"
"Do you know which ward she is in?"
"Yes, ward P, room 2B"
"I'll just put you through to the nurse station."
"Hello, ward P, how can I help?"
"I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?"
"I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's conditioned has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow."
"Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!"
"You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?"
"No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you f**k all in here!"
"Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?"
"Do you know which ward she is in?"
"Yes, ward P, room 2B"
"I'll just put you through to the nurse station."
"Hello, ward P, how can I help?"
"I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?"
"I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's conditioned has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow."
"Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!"
"You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?"
"No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you f**k all in here!"
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Children... LOL!
I had this sent to me in an e-mail a couple of days ago, and I thought I'd share it.
******
1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child innocently.
'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move'
2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad......'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad..'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'
3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''
4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he
asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. 'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: 'The big sissy.'
5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress.
Is it your Easter Dress?'
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'
6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
shower. She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!' I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her
tummy.'
'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'
7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked
'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you teaching my son in math?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'
8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '.... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is
falling!'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said: 'Holy S#@%! A talking chicken!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane Sugarbrown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'
10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, 'If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'
11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, 'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin.'
She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'
******
1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child innocently.
'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move'
2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad......'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad..'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'
3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''
4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he
asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. 'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: 'The big sissy.'
5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress.
Is it your Easter Dress?'
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'
6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
shower. She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!' I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her
tummy.'
'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'
7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked
'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you teaching my son in math?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'
8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '.... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is
falling!'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said: 'Holy S#@%! A talking chicken!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane Sugarbrown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'
10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, 'If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'
11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, 'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin.'
She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'
Monday, January 11, 2010
Snow warning (AED)
I recieved the following in an e-mail and thought I'd share it.
******
Snow Warning
On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer Say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of Snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street So the Snowplows can get through".
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer Said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car On the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through".
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week, they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer Says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out.
The wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, " I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
The husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time."
******
Snow Warning
On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer Say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of Snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street So the Snowplows can get through".
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer Said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car On the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through".
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week, they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer Says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out.
The wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, " I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
The husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time."
Friday, December 25, 2009
Weeweechu
I got this in an e-mail last Christmas, but it was too late for me to post it then, so I'm posting it this year instead (yep, I kept it in my inbox all this time... LOL!)
______
It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."
"Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.
"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.
"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.
"Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."
Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."
______
Merry Christmas everyone! :)
Tori and Kero
______
It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."
"Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.
"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.
"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.
"Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."
Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."
______
Merry Christmas everyone! :)
Tori and Kero
Sunday, November 29, 2009
The Scotsman (FD but AED)
One morning a Scotsman is having breakfast in Paris, (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and marmalade) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Scotsman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation...
Frenchman: 'You Scots folk eat the whole bread?'
Scotsman (in a bad mood): 'Of course.'
Frenchman (after blowing a huge bubble): 'We don't. In France , we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Scotland .' The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The Scotsman listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: 'Do you eat marmalade with your bread?'
Scotsman: 'Of course.'
Frenchman (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling): 'We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into marmalade, and sell the marmalade to Scotland.'
After a moment of silence, the Scotsman asks: 'Do you have sex in France ?'
Frenchman: 'Why of course we do', he says with a big smirk.
Scotsman: 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'
Frenchman: 'We throw them away, of course.'
Scotsman: 'We don't. In Scotland , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France .'
Frenchman: 'You Scots folk eat the whole bread?'
Scotsman (in a bad mood): 'Of course.'
Frenchman (after blowing a huge bubble): 'We don't. In France , we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Scotland .' The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The Scotsman listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: 'Do you eat marmalade with your bread?'
Scotsman: 'Of course.'
Frenchman (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling): 'We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into marmalade, and sell the marmalade to Scotland.'
After a moment of silence, the Scotsman asks: 'Do you have sex in France ?'
Frenchman: 'Why of course we do', he says with a big smirk.
Scotsman: 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'
Frenchman: 'We throw them away, of course.'
Scotsman: 'We don't. In Scotland , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France .'
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
The blonde's password (AE&D)
A company was doing a survey of the passwords used on their system. During this surveey they noticed that one of their employees - a blonde - had the following password:
mickeyminniehuiedeweylouiedonalddaisygoofy
Out of curiosity, they asked the blonde, "why do you have a password that long?"
To which the blonde replied, "well, you said it should be at least eight characters long."
mickeyminniehuiedeweylouiedonalddaisygoofy
Out of curiosity, they asked the blonde, "why do you have a password that long?"
To which the blonde replied, "well, you said it should be at least eight characters long."
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
LBE & FD but AE&D & PTMI warnings apply at first
Kelly took the library books back to the library for me on Monday when he went to do some shopping. I told him to have a look while he was there for something new for me to listen to...
Kelly: How do you mean something?
Me: I don't know. Have a look at what they've got and pick out a couple you think I might like.
Kelly: Like what?
Me: You've heard enough of the books I've listened to so you should know the basic themes of the books I like.
Kelly: Can't you give me a title?
Me: No. Even if I made a note of the titles I'd liked they might not have it in this week.
... So he went and had a look. And came back empty handed. *Sigh* Oh well, at least the old books went back. I'll have to see if my Mam is feeling better and is up to taking me in to have a look soon. In the meantime, I've been listening to the radio instead. I don't mind really. Besides, if I hadn't had the radio on I wouldn't have gotten a laugh this morning.
I alternate between a couple of radio stations: BBC Radio 2, BBC Radio 4, BBC Radio 7, Real Radio and Radio Carmarthenshire (with a couple of others thrown in if I'm listening with Mam, Kelly or Dad). This morning it was Radio 2 I was listening to.
From midnight to 3:00 am Janice Long is on Radio 2. I enjoy listening to her slot (as well as the three following hers... See site for details). I'm telling you this so you'll know who I'm talking about (at least sort of) when I continue.
OK, so...
Janice Long started her slot in fluent French (with a translator). I don't remember the exact words she used, but it was basically that the government had said one in every five radio slots had to be presented in a European language, and that she was sorry for the inconvenience to any non-French speaking regular listeners.
I have to admit, I believed her for the first few sentences, but then it dawned on me...
1. If that was the case then I would have heard it on the news (which was on just before her slot started) or she would have mentioned it the night before when I was listening to her. But it wasn't mentioned.
2. At the stroke of midnight we were in April... April 1st being April fool's day.
However, there were a couple of people that didn't figure it out. I'm married to one of them. And while Janice was giving her speech and waiting for parts of it to be translated, Kelly was in full rant mode about how wrong that is, and about how the French probably aren't even listening to Radio 2. Not to mention the fact they don't make them do that in Canada - despite such a large French population - and so on. I let him rant for a bit then...
Me: She's taking the p*$$... It's April now.
Kelly: Yeah, April 1st.
Me: Does that mean anything to you?
Kelly: Yeah... April fool's day
Me: Right. So any second now she's going to be saying, "April fool," or something.
He still didn't seem convinced. I think partly due to the French song now playing on the radio.
But then...
Janice (in English this time): Ah! I got you, didn't I? Come on! Admit it!
Me: Well, she got you anyway.
Kelly: Oh, shut up!
(In other words, yes, but shut up about it. And don't expect me to admit it).
ROTFLMAO!
***~***
I was meant to have been going for a new set of eyes to be made for me last month. I never got an appointment sent to me though. So, I phoned this morning to ask why and - if necessary - to make a new one.
Apparently they're very behind on appointments because there's only one person who runs the clinic in each hospital, and with her being off sick and someone having to fill in for her they didn't get any appointments done that weren't priorities.
So, my appointment will be later than planned.
If the eye is bugging me -- which it isn't - then I could get in as a priority case. But there doesn't seem to be any need for that.
PTMI and AE&D warnings end here, so feel free to grab your snacks and drinks. :)
***~***
Since Kelly went shopping Monday instead of me going shopping with my Mam - who's sick at the moment - on Tuesday, I decided to do the baking Monday afternoon instead of waiting until Tuesday or Wednesday.
Nothing was frozen, so there wasn't any reason to wait, really. Besides, I figured I'd do it while I felt like it... You know? Just in case I didn't later in the week. Especially since I'd already decided I couldn't be bothered to make my own pastry again, so I'd had Kelly get some in the shopping.
Anyway...
I made sausage, egg and bacon pie, vegetable rolls (veggie version of sausage rolls) and cheese and onion pasties.
This was my first time making this pie on my own. My Mam makes it from time to time, but I've never done it before. I did this time because I know that Kelly loves it. I usually do too, but even that pie couldn't tempt me to eat meat. Oh, well, never mind. Kelly seemed to enjoy it, and - if how quickly the piece I gave him disappeared is anything to go by - then he doesn't mind having it to himself. ;)
I don't have plans for more baking at the moment. I'll let you know whenever I make anything else though.
Oh, and I'll be adding more recipes I've found to my recipe page soon, so keep a look out for them.
***~***
Guess what?
When I was listening to Real Radio a couple of days ago they mentioned that Boyzone were going to be in Cardiff at the start of June. I've followed them since I was a kid, and I've ALWAYS wanted to see them. But they kept being sold out. Then they seporated and I thought I'd lost my chance.
Mam tried on more than one occasion to get me tickets for a Ronan Keating concert when he became a solo artist after they split up. But she had no luck there either.
Then, last year they got back together. And now they're going on tour again.
Kelly said if there were tickets left he'd buy me a couple for our wedding anniversary, which is the end of May. I didn't hold out much hope, because I'd had no luck in the past. But I asked my Mam about coming with me, and she said she'd come if we could get the tickets.
So, I phoned up and...
I GOT TICKETS!!!
I'm going to see Boyzone on June 2nd 2009! *Grins happily*
***~***
I've started reading a certain blog which - for some unknown reason - has persuaded me to bend a rule I usually have when I'm reading blogs. Usually I wont return to a blog that has word verification on the comments, because it means I can't comment (unless I ask for help, which is annoying and often not possible as I sometimes blog when Kelly's out or asleep). But this one blog has me going back to it - despite not being able to comment.
It's BarefootGardener's blog. A couple of you already visit it. It's a really good blog.
I wonder why it's managed to convince me to bend that rule... *Shrugs*
***~***
For anyone wondering, both Kelly and my Mam are doing a lot better (yep, Mam was sick too). Neither of them are anywhere near being completely better, but they're a lot better than they were over the weekend.
Just thought I'd let anyone who's interested know that.
***~***
As predicted by the weatherman the other day, we have had "Spring weather" the past few days. In other words, the kind of weather that can't make up it's mind between being nice and warm and sunny, and being wet and miserable. You know? The kind of weather where you're not sure if you should be in shorts and a t-shirt or rain gear.
Well, that's what most of the past week and a half or so has been like anyway. But not today.
Today it's been nice and dry all day. It's also been kinda warm. Not hot. Just warm. Warm enough for going without a jacket (if you want to risk it changing its mind, lol!) I did take a jacket with me when I took Kero out though... "Just in case" (I don't trust Welsh weather to stay dry for long... LOL!)
***~***
OK, I think that covers everything. Besides, I've been working on this post for quite a while now (something like 2 hours, I think) and it's probably more than long enough. Hope everyone made it to the end. ;)
Enjoy whatever's left of your day! :)
Tori
Kelly: How do you mean something?
Me: I don't know. Have a look at what they've got and pick out a couple you think I might like.
Kelly: Like what?
Me: You've heard enough of the books I've listened to so you should know the basic themes of the books I like.
Kelly: Can't you give me a title?
Me: No. Even if I made a note of the titles I'd liked they might not have it in this week.
... So he went and had a look. And came back empty handed. *Sigh* Oh well, at least the old books went back. I'll have to see if my Mam is feeling better and is up to taking me in to have a look soon. In the meantime, I've been listening to the radio instead. I don't mind really. Besides, if I hadn't had the radio on I wouldn't have gotten a laugh this morning.
I alternate between a couple of radio stations: BBC Radio 2, BBC Radio 4, BBC Radio 7, Real Radio and Radio Carmarthenshire (with a couple of others thrown in if I'm listening with Mam, Kelly or Dad). This morning it was Radio 2 I was listening to.
From midnight to 3:00 am Janice Long is on Radio 2. I enjoy listening to her slot (as well as the three following hers... See site for details). I'm telling you this so you'll know who I'm talking about (at least sort of) when I continue.
OK, so...
Janice Long started her slot in fluent French (with a translator). I don't remember the exact words she used, but it was basically that the government had said one in every five radio slots had to be presented in a European language, and that she was sorry for the inconvenience to any non-French speaking regular listeners.
I have to admit, I believed her for the first few sentences, but then it dawned on me...
1. If that was the case then I would have heard it on the news (which was on just before her slot started) or she would have mentioned it the night before when I was listening to her. But it wasn't mentioned.
2. At the stroke of midnight we were in April... April 1st being April fool's day.
However, there were a couple of people that didn't figure it out. I'm married to one of them. And while Janice was giving her speech and waiting for parts of it to be translated, Kelly was in full rant mode about how wrong that is, and about how the French probably aren't even listening to Radio 2. Not to mention the fact they don't make them do that in Canada - despite such a large French population - and so on. I let him rant for a bit then...
Me: She's taking the p*$$... It's April now.
Kelly: Yeah, April 1st.
Me: Does that mean anything to you?
Kelly: Yeah... April fool's day
Me: Right. So any second now she's going to be saying, "April fool," or something.
He still didn't seem convinced. I think partly due to the French song now playing on the radio.
But then...
Janice (in English this time): Ah! I got you, didn't I? Come on! Admit it!
Me: Well, she got you anyway.
Kelly: Oh, shut up!
(In other words, yes, but shut up about it. And don't expect me to admit it).
ROTFLMAO!
***~***
I was meant to have been going for a new set of eyes to be made for me last month. I never got an appointment sent to me though. So, I phoned this morning to ask why and - if necessary - to make a new one.
Apparently they're very behind on appointments because there's only one person who runs the clinic in each hospital, and with her being off sick and someone having to fill in for her they didn't get any appointments done that weren't priorities.
So, my appointment will be later than planned.
If the eye is bugging me -- which it isn't - then I could get in as a priority case. But there doesn't seem to be any need for that.
PTMI and AE&D warnings end here, so feel free to grab your snacks and drinks. :)
***~***
Since Kelly went shopping Monday instead of me going shopping with my Mam - who's sick at the moment - on Tuesday, I decided to do the baking Monday afternoon instead of waiting until Tuesday or Wednesday.
Nothing was frozen, so there wasn't any reason to wait, really. Besides, I figured I'd do it while I felt like it... You know? Just in case I didn't later in the week. Especially since I'd already decided I couldn't be bothered to make my own pastry again, so I'd had Kelly get some in the shopping.
Anyway...
I made sausage, egg and bacon pie, vegetable rolls (veggie version of sausage rolls) and cheese and onion pasties.
This was my first time making this pie on my own. My Mam makes it from time to time, but I've never done it before. I did this time because I know that Kelly loves it. I usually do too, but even that pie couldn't tempt me to eat meat. Oh, well, never mind. Kelly seemed to enjoy it, and - if how quickly the piece I gave him disappeared is anything to go by - then he doesn't mind having it to himself. ;)
I don't have plans for more baking at the moment. I'll let you know whenever I make anything else though.
Oh, and I'll be adding more recipes I've found to my recipe page soon, so keep a look out for them.
***~***
Guess what?
When I was listening to Real Radio a couple of days ago they mentioned that Boyzone were going to be in Cardiff at the start of June. I've followed them since I was a kid, and I've ALWAYS wanted to see them. But they kept being sold out. Then they seporated and I thought I'd lost my chance.
Mam tried on more than one occasion to get me tickets for a Ronan Keating concert when he became a solo artist after they split up. But she had no luck there either.
Then, last year they got back together. And now they're going on tour again.
Kelly said if there were tickets left he'd buy me a couple for our wedding anniversary, which is the end of May. I didn't hold out much hope, because I'd had no luck in the past. But I asked my Mam about coming with me, and she said she'd come if we could get the tickets.
So, I phoned up and...
I GOT TICKETS!!!
I'm going to see Boyzone on June 2nd 2009! *Grins happily*
***~***
I've started reading a certain blog which - for some unknown reason - has persuaded me to bend a rule I usually have when I'm reading blogs. Usually I wont return to a blog that has word verification on the comments, because it means I can't comment (unless I ask for help, which is annoying and often not possible as I sometimes blog when Kelly's out or asleep). But this one blog has me going back to it - despite not being able to comment.
It's BarefootGardener's blog. A couple of you already visit it. It's a really good blog.
I wonder why it's managed to convince me to bend that rule... *Shrugs*
***~***
For anyone wondering, both Kelly and my Mam are doing a lot better (yep, Mam was sick too). Neither of them are anywhere near being completely better, but they're a lot better than they were over the weekend.
Just thought I'd let anyone who's interested know that.
***~***
As predicted by the weatherman the other day, we have had "Spring weather" the past few days. In other words, the kind of weather that can't make up it's mind between being nice and warm and sunny, and being wet and miserable. You know? The kind of weather where you're not sure if you should be in shorts and a t-shirt or rain gear.
Well, that's what most of the past week and a half or so has been like anyway. But not today.
Today it's been nice and dry all day. It's also been kinda warm. Not hot. Just warm. Warm enough for going without a jacket (if you want to risk it changing its mind, lol!) I did take a jacket with me when I took Kero out though... "Just in case" (I don't trust Welsh weather to stay dry for long... LOL!)
***~***
OK, I think that covers everything. Besides, I've been working on this post for quite a while now (something like 2 hours, I think) and it's probably more than long enough. Hope everyone made it to the end. ;)
Enjoy whatever's left of your day! :)
Tori
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
What do you do all day?
I recieved this in an e-mail the other day. I did pass it on to some people via e-mail, but I thought I'd post it on here too. No real reason... Just 'cause I can! :)
***~***
A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to
the house and there was no sign of the dog.
Proceeding Into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.
In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.
He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?"
"Yes," was his incredulous reply.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."
***~***
A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to
the house and there was no sign of the dog.
Proceeding Into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.
In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.
He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?"
"Yes," was his incredulous reply.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Christmas Jokes (FD but AE&D)
Q. What's the most common wine at Christmas?
A. "Do I have to eat my brussel sprouts?"
Q. What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?
A. A Pineapple
Q. How many chimneys does Father Christmas go down?
A. Stacks
Q. What's an Ig?
A. An eskimo's home without a loo
Father Christmas went to see a Christmas pantomime. During the interval he got up and went to fetch some refreshments. However, he was then unsure of which row he had been sitting in. He did, however, clearly remember stepping on the foot of a lady on the end of his row.
After a few moments of scanning the crowd he thought he recognised the lady in question. So he went up to her and asked...
Father Christmas: Excuse me, did I step on your toes on my way to get an ice-cream?
Lady: You certainly did!
Father Christmas: Good... That means I'm in the right row!
Q. What reindeer can jump higher than a house?
A. They all can... Houses can't jump!
Q. Where do you find reindeer?
A. It depends on where you leave them
Q. Why does Scrooge like reindeer so much?
A. Because every buck is dear to him
"Dear Father Christmas,
Could you please send me a yellow door for Christmas?
Sincerely, Sherlock Holmes"
Watson: Why do you want a yellow door, Holmes?
Holmes: Lemon-entry my dear Watson!
Q. What do the elves sing to Father Christmas?
A. Freeze A Jolly Good Fellow!
Q. An honest politician, Santa Claus and a kind lawyer were walking down the street and saw a £20 note, which one picked it up?
A. Santa Claus... The other two don't exist!
Q. Who's never hungry at Christmas?
A. The turkey... He's always stuffed
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mary
Mary who?
Mary Christmas
A. "Do I have to eat my brussel sprouts?"
Q. What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?
A. A Pineapple
Q. How many chimneys does Father Christmas go down?
A. Stacks
Q. What's an Ig?
A. An eskimo's home without a loo
Father Christmas went to see a Christmas pantomime. During the interval he got up and went to fetch some refreshments. However, he was then unsure of which row he had been sitting in. He did, however, clearly remember stepping on the foot of a lady on the end of his row.
After a few moments of scanning the crowd he thought he recognised the lady in question. So he went up to her and asked...
Father Christmas: Excuse me, did I step on your toes on my way to get an ice-cream?
Lady: You certainly did!
Father Christmas: Good... That means I'm in the right row!
Q. What reindeer can jump higher than a house?
A. They all can... Houses can't jump!
Q. Where do you find reindeer?
A. It depends on where you leave them
Q. Why does Scrooge like reindeer so much?
A. Because every buck is dear to him
"Dear Father Christmas,
Could you please send me a yellow door for Christmas?
Sincerely, Sherlock Holmes"
Watson: Why do you want a yellow door, Holmes?
Holmes: Lemon-entry my dear Watson!
Q. What do the elves sing to Father Christmas?
A. Freeze A Jolly Good Fellow!
Q. An honest politician, Santa Claus and a kind lawyer were walking down the street and saw a £20 note, which one picked it up?
A. Santa Claus... The other two don't exist!
Q. Who's never hungry at Christmas?
A. The turkey... He's always stuffed
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mary
Mary who?
Mary Christmas
Friday, October 31, 2008
Halloween jokes & riddles (LBE... AE&D)
Some of these aren't all that funny, but I thought I'd post them anyway. Enjoy!
***~***
Riddles
Q. What is a mummy's favourite type of music?
A. Rap music.
Q. Where do baby ghosts go when their mom goes to work? A. A scare centre!
Q. What is a skeleton's favourite instrument?
A. The trombone.
Q. Where do movie stars go on Halloween?
A. MaliBOO!
Q. Why didn't Dracula have any friends?
A. He was a pain in the neck!
Q. What does a bird say at Halloween?
A. "Twick or tweet."
Q. What does a panda ghost eat?
A. Bam-BOO!
Q. What do you call a skeleton that lies on its grave?
A. Lazy bones!
Q. What did one casket say to the other casket?
A. "Is that you coffin?" (coughing)
Q. Who did Dracula bring to the prom?
A. His ghoul friend.
Q. What is Dracula's favourite fruit?
A. A nectarine.
Q. What did the mummy ghost say to the noisy young ghost who kept interrupting?
A. "Spook when you're spooken to."
Q. What kind of mail does a superstar vampire get?
A. Fang mail.
Q. What is the problem with two twin witches?
A. You never know which witch is which!
Q. Where did the ghosts go for vacation?
A. Mali-BOO.
Q. What pants do ghosts wear?
A. BOO jeans.
Q. What do you call a witch who likes the beach but is scared of the water?
A. A chicken sand witch.
Q. What does a ghost call his mom and dad?
A. His transparents.
Q. What did the skeleton order with his drink?
A. A mop.
Q. Who won the zombie war?
A. Nobody, it was dead even.
Q. Where did the ghost go on vacation?
A. The BOO-hamas!
Q. Why did Dracula go to the library?
A. He wanted a good book to sink his teeth into!
Q. What kind of TV do you find inside a haunted house?
A. A wide scream TV.
Q. What did the witch say when she fell in the moat?
A. "My eels are killing me!"
Q. What do you call candy corn?
A. Pumpkin poop!
Q. What do you get when you cross a vampire with a mummy?
A. A gift wrapped bat!
Q. What school subject is a witch good at?
A. Spelling.
Q. What did the ghosts eat for dinner?
A. Spook-etti!
Q. What did the pumpkin need for its boo boo?
A. A pumpkin patch.
Q. Why is it hard for a ghost to tell a lie?
A. Because you can see right through him.
Q. What do you call a witch at the beach?
A. A sand-witch.
Q. Why couldn't the skeleton cross the road?
A. Because he didn't have the guts.
Q. Why did the skeleton go scuba diving?
A. Because he wanted to get some muscles!
Q. Why did the vampire give up acting?
A. Because he couldn't find a part he could sink his teeth into.
Q. Why was the skeleton scared to cross the road?
A. Because there was a dog on the other side.
Q. What do skeletons say before they start to eat?
A. Bone appetite.
Q. What do ghosts serve for dessert?
A. I scream.
Q. What monster wears the most clothes?
A. A werewolf!
Q. How do you make a witch itch?
A. Take away her W.
Q. What did the ghost teacher say to her class?
A. "Watch the board and I'll go through it again."
Q. Why didn't the skeleton want to go to the dance?
A. Because he had no body to go with.
Q. Why did the skeleton stand in the corner during his prom?
A. Because he had no body to dance with!
Q. What is a witch's favourite food?
A. Goulash.
Q. Why was the little ghost crying?
A. Because he wanted his mummy.
Q. What did the jack-o'-lantern say to the other jack-o'-lantern when they were on their way to a Halloween party?
A. "Let's get glowing."
Q. What do you get when you cross a mummy with a vampire bat?
A. A flying Band-Aid.
Q. Why do witches fly around on broomsticks?
A. Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy!
Q. What do you do when you see a ghost?
A. Run away of course!
Q. Where does a vampire keep his money?
A. In a blood bank.
Q. What do you call a vampire 200 miles from a blood bank?
A. A cab.
Q. Why don't skeletons play music in church?
A. They have no organs.
Q. What kind of dog does a vampire have?
A. A bloodhound.
Q. What do you get when you cross a ghost, a dog and a rooster?
A. A cocka-oodle-boo!
Q. What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
A. "Long time no see."
Q. What did the werewolf eat after he'd had his teeth cleaned?
A. The dentist.
Q. Why do skeletons hate winter?
A. The cold goes right through them.
Q. What do you call a mummy eating in bed?
A. A crummy mummy.
Q. Where do you go when a ghost is chasing you?
A. To the living room!
Q. What is a skeleton's favourite drink?
A. Milk, it's white and good for your bones.
Q. When do vampires like horse racing?
A. When it's neck and neck!
Q. What do you get when you cross a ghost and a goblin?
A. I don't know, but it doesn't sound good to me!
Q. What do you call a fat vampire slayer?
A. Puffy!
Q. Why did the Cyclops close his school?
A. Because he only had one pupil.
Q. Why didn't the ghost go boo?
A. Because it had no guts.
Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
A. Frostbite.
Q. What do you call two witches who share a broom?
A. Broom mates.
Q. What do you call two witches that live together?
A. Broom mates.
Q. What do you call a nervous witch?
A. A twitch.
Q. What do you call ghosts that ring doorbells?
A. Dead ringers.
Q. What does a ghost keep in its stable?
A. Nightmares.
Q. How do ghosts like their eggs?
A. Terror-fried.
Q. How was Frankenstien's birth?
A. Shocking.
Q. Why can't you tell a skeleton a secret?
A. Because it goes in one ear and out the other.
Q. What do you call a dead person in the closet?
A. The 1966 hide-and-go-seek champion.
Q. What kind of streets do zombies live on?
A. Dead-ends.
Q. Why don't mummies take vacations?
A. They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.
Q. What kind of candy won't a ghost touch?
A. Life Savers.
Q. What happens when a ghost haunts a theatre?
A. The actors get stage fright.
Q. What song do vampires hate?
A. "You are my sunshine!"
Q. What did the little ghost say to his mom?
A. "I've got a boo boo."
Q. What is a ghost's favourite ride?
A. A roller-ghoster.
Q. What do witches call for in a hotel room?
A. Broom service.
Q. What do you get if you cross a skeleton with a famous detective?
A. Sherlock Bones!
Q. What do you call an overweight pumpkin?
A. A plumpkin!
Q. How do you make a skeleton laugh?
A. Tickle its funnybone!
Q. What is worse than being a three hundred pound witch?
A. Being her broom.
Q. What do vampires never order at a cafe?
A. A STAKE sandwich!
Q. What did one ghost say to the other?
A. "Do you believe in people?!"
Q. What do vampires sing on New Year's Eve?
A. Auld Fang Syne!
Q. Where do ghosts get their mail?
A. At the ghost office.
Q. What do skeletons say at the front door?
A. "Crick or creak!"
Q. What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
A. Any old girl he can dig up.
Q. Why was the big hairy , two-headed monster top of the class in school?
A. Because two heads are better than one.
Q. Frankenstein and Dracula had a match. Who won?
A. Frankenstein, because Dracula sucks!
Q. What do you get when you cross a moose and a ghost?
A. A cariboo!
Q. Why doesn't a witch wear a flat hat?
A. Because there's no point in it!
***~***
Knock, Knock Jokes
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Wolves say
Wolves say who?
Wolves say Happy HOWL-oween!
______
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Boo!
Boo who?
No, no, don't cry! I was just kidding.
______
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Ivana
Ivana who?
Ivana suck your blood.
______
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Frank
Frank who?
Frankenstein!
***~***
Jokes
Monster: It is a very hot day today!
Witch: So, can I make you a lemonade?
Monster: Yes!
Witch: Poof! You're lemonade!
______
Patty came up to a boy with a sheet over his head on Halloween and asked, "Are you a ghost?"
The boy replied, "No, of course not! I'm an unmade bed!"
______
A skeleton walks in to a bar. He goes to the bartender and says, "I'm going to need a beer and a mop."
___
A guy named Billie Bob Joe goes to a costume dress party nakid with a nakid girl on his back.
Harold, answering the door: What are you supposed to be?
Billie Bob Joe: A turtle.
Harold: What do you mean?
Billie Bob Joe: The girl on my back is Michelle.
***~***
Riddles
Q. What is a mummy's favourite type of music?
A. Rap music.
Q. Where do baby ghosts go when their mom goes to work? A. A scare centre!
Q. What is a skeleton's favourite instrument?
A. The trombone.
Q. Where do movie stars go on Halloween?
A. MaliBOO!
Q. Why didn't Dracula have any friends?
A. He was a pain in the neck!
Q. What does a bird say at Halloween?
A. "Twick or tweet."
Q. What does a panda ghost eat?
A. Bam-BOO!
Q. What do you call a skeleton that lies on its grave?
A. Lazy bones!
Q. What did one casket say to the other casket?
A. "Is that you coffin?" (coughing)
Q. Who did Dracula bring to the prom?
A. His ghoul friend.
Q. What is Dracula's favourite fruit?
A. A nectarine.
Q. What did the mummy ghost say to the noisy young ghost who kept interrupting?
A. "Spook when you're spooken to."
Q. What kind of mail does a superstar vampire get?
A. Fang mail.
Q. What is the problem with two twin witches?
A. You never know which witch is which!
Q. Where did the ghosts go for vacation?
A. Mali-BOO.
Q. What pants do ghosts wear?
A. BOO jeans.
Q. What do you call a witch who likes the beach but is scared of the water?
A. A chicken sand witch.
Q. What does a ghost call his mom and dad?
A. His transparents.
Q. What did the skeleton order with his drink?
A. A mop.
Q. Who won the zombie war?
A. Nobody, it was dead even.
Q. Where did the ghost go on vacation?
A. The BOO-hamas!
Q. Why did Dracula go to the library?
A. He wanted a good book to sink his teeth into!
Q. What kind of TV do you find inside a haunted house?
A. A wide scream TV.
Q. What did the witch say when she fell in the moat?
A. "My eels are killing me!"
Q. What do you call candy corn?
A. Pumpkin poop!
Q. What do you get when you cross a vampire with a mummy?
A. A gift wrapped bat!
Q. What school subject is a witch good at?
A. Spelling.
Q. What did the ghosts eat for dinner?
A. Spook-etti!
Q. What did the pumpkin need for its boo boo?
A. A pumpkin patch.
Q. Why is it hard for a ghost to tell a lie?
A. Because you can see right through him.
Q. What do you call a witch at the beach?
A. A sand-witch.
Q. Why couldn't the skeleton cross the road?
A. Because he didn't have the guts.
Q. Why did the skeleton go scuba diving?
A. Because he wanted to get some muscles!
Q. Why did the vampire give up acting?
A. Because he couldn't find a part he could sink his teeth into.
Q. Why was the skeleton scared to cross the road?
A. Because there was a dog on the other side.
Q. What do skeletons say before they start to eat?
A. Bone appetite.
Q. What do ghosts serve for dessert?
A. I scream.
Q. What monster wears the most clothes?
A. A werewolf!
Q. How do you make a witch itch?
A. Take away her W.
Q. What did the ghost teacher say to her class?
A. "Watch the board and I'll go through it again."
Q. Why didn't the skeleton want to go to the dance?
A. Because he had no body to go with.
Q. Why did the skeleton stand in the corner during his prom?
A. Because he had no body to dance with!
Q. What is a witch's favourite food?
A. Goulash.
Q. Why was the little ghost crying?
A. Because he wanted his mummy.
Q. What did the jack-o'-lantern say to the other jack-o'-lantern when they were on their way to a Halloween party?
A. "Let's get glowing."
Q. What do you get when you cross a mummy with a vampire bat?
A. A flying Band-Aid.
Q. Why do witches fly around on broomsticks?
A. Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy!
Q. What do you do when you see a ghost?
A. Run away of course!
Q. Where does a vampire keep his money?
A. In a blood bank.
Q. What do you call a vampire 200 miles from a blood bank?
A. A cab.
Q. Why don't skeletons play music in church?
A. They have no organs.
Q. What kind of dog does a vampire have?
A. A bloodhound.
Q. What do you get when you cross a ghost, a dog and a rooster?
A. A cocka-oodle-boo!
Q. What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
A. "Long time no see."
Q. What did the werewolf eat after he'd had his teeth cleaned?
A. The dentist.
Q. Why do skeletons hate winter?
A. The cold goes right through them.
Q. What do you call a mummy eating in bed?
A. A crummy mummy.
Q. Where do you go when a ghost is chasing you?
A. To the living room!
Q. What is a skeleton's favourite drink?
A. Milk, it's white and good for your bones.
Q. When do vampires like horse racing?
A. When it's neck and neck!
Q. What do you get when you cross a ghost and a goblin?
A. I don't know, but it doesn't sound good to me!
Q. What do you call a fat vampire slayer?
A. Puffy!
Q. Why did the Cyclops close his school?
A. Because he only had one pupil.
Q. Why didn't the ghost go boo?
A. Because it had no guts.
Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
A. Frostbite.
Q. What do you call two witches who share a broom?
A. Broom mates.
Q. What do you call two witches that live together?
A. Broom mates.
Q. What do you call a nervous witch?
A. A twitch.
Q. What do you call ghosts that ring doorbells?
A. Dead ringers.
Q. What does a ghost keep in its stable?
A. Nightmares.
Q. How do ghosts like their eggs?
A. Terror-fried.
Q. How was Frankenstien's birth?
A. Shocking.
Q. Why can't you tell a skeleton a secret?
A. Because it goes in one ear and out the other.
Q. What do you call a dead person in the closet?
A. The 1966 hide-and-go-seek champion.
Q. What kind of streets do zombies live on?
A. Dead-ends.
Q. Why don't mummies take vacations?
A. They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.
Q. What kind of candy won't a ghost touch?
A. Life Savers.
Q. What happens when a ghost haunts a theatre?
A. The actors get stage fright.
Q. What song do vampires hate?
A. "You are my sunshine!"
Q. What did the little ghost say to his mom?
A. "I've got a boo boo."
Q. What is a ghost's favourite ride?
A. A roller-ghoster.
Q. What do witches call for in a hotel room?
A. Broom service.
Q. What do you get if you cross a skeleton with a famous detective?
A. Sherlock Bones!
Q. What do you call an overweight pumpkin?
A. A plumpkin!
Q. How do you make a skeleton laugh?
A. Tickle its funnybone!
Q. What is worse than being a three hundred pound witch?
A. Being her broom.
Q. What do vampires never order at a cafe?
A. A STAKE sandwich!
Q. What did one ghost say to the other?
A. "Do you believe in people?!"
Q. What do vampires sing on New Year's Eve?
A. Auld Fang Syne!
Q. Where do ghosts get their mail?
A. At the ghost office.
Q. What do skeletons say at the front door?
A. "Crick or creak!"
Q. What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
A. Any old girl he can dig up.
Q. Why was the big hairy , two-headed monster top of the class in school?
A. Because two heads are better than one.
Q. Frankenstein and Dracula had a match. Who won?
A. Frankenstein, because Dracula sucks!
Q. What do you get when you cross a moose and a ghost?
A. A cariboo!
Q. Why doesn't a witch wear a flat hat?
A. Because there's no point in it!
***~***
Knock, Knock Jokes
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Wolves say
Wolves say who?
Wolves say Happy HOWL-oween!
______
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Boo!
Boo who?
No, no, don't cry! I was just kidding.
______
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Ivana
Ivana who?
Ivana suck your blood.
______
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Frank
Frank who?
Frankenstein!
***~***
Jokes
Monster: It is a very hot day today!
Witch: So, can I make you a lemonade?
Monster: Yes!
Witch: Poof! You're lemonade!
______
Patty came up to a boy with a sheet over his head on Halloween and asked, "Are you a ghost?"
The boy replied, "No, of course not! I'm an unmade bed!"
______
A skeleton walks in to a bar. He goes to the bartender and says, "I'm going to need a beer and a mop."
___
A guy named Billie Bob Joe goes to a costume dress party nakid with a nakid girl on his back.
Harold, answering the door: What are you supposed to be?
Billie Bob Joe: A turtle.
Harold: What do you mean?
Billie Bob Joe: The girl on my back is Michelle.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Just jokes
OK, these aren't the best jokes, but I thought I'd share them anyway.
_____
A line of tomatoes are marching along a road and the one in front notices that the back one is lagging behind. So, the front tomato goes to the back tomato and says, "Oi, Ketchup!"
_________
A woman was helping her husband set up something on his computer. The computer needed a password, so the woman told her husband to think of one that would be easy to remember.
"Penis," says the husband.
The wife typed it in, thinking that at least he'd remember it. She then almost fell off her chair laughing when the computer responded with the message...
"Password rejected. Not long enough."
_____
A line of tomatoes are marching along a road and the one in front notices that the back one is lagging behind. So, the front tomato goes to the back tomato and says, "Oi, Ketchup!"
_________
A woman was helping her husband set up something on his computer. The computer needed a password, so the woman told her husband to think of one that would be easy to remember.
"Penis," says the husband.
The wife typed it in, thinking that at least he'd remember it. She then almost fell off her chair laughing when the computer responded with the message...
"Password rejected. Not long enough."
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
The Pastor's Ass
This was sent to me in an e-mail, and I thought I'd post it here.
________________________
The Pastor's Ass
The pastor entered his donkey in arace and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is:
being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery. even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worryingabout everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Have a nice day! :)
________________________
The Pastor's Ass
The pastor entered his donkey in arace and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is:
being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery. even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worryingabout everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Have a nice day! :)
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Jokes from my inbox
I had these jokes sent to me by a friend via e-mail, and thought I'd post them here.
_____________________
Little Johnny Strikes Again
The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "We all went to my Grandad's farm and saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good. But I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating."
Sally raised her hand and said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally. But I wanted you to use the word fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated, because she had been burned by little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher sat down and cried.
______________________
The Chicken At The Movies
A man approached the window of a movie theatre with a chicken on his shoulder, and asked for two tickets.
"Who's the other ticket for?" the ticket girl asked.
"For my pet chicken," he said, pointing to the bird.
"I'm sorry," the girl tells him, "but we don't allow animals in the theatre."
The man walked around the corner of the building and stuffed the chicken in to his pants.
He returned to the ticket window, brought a ticket, entered the theatre, and sat down.
The chicken started to get hot, so the man - figuring it was OK because it was dark - unzipped his pants to let the chicken stick its head out.
The woman sitting next to him looked down in horror.
She nudged her friend Amanda, and whispered, "Amanda, this man beside me just unzipped his pants."
Amanda replied, "Oh, don't worry. Just ignore him. If you've seen one, you've seen them all."
The woman whispered back, "I know, I know. But this one's eating my popcorn."
_____________________
Little Johnny Strikes Again
The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "We all went to my Grandad's farm and saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good. But I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating."
Sally raised her hand and said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally. But I wanted you to use the word fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated, because she had been burned by little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher sat down and cried.
______________________
The Chicken At The Movies
A man approached the window of a movie theatre with a chicken on his shoulder, and asked for two tickets.
"Who's the other ticket for?" the ticket girl asked.
"For my pet chicken," he said, pointing to the bird.
"I'm sorry," the girl tells him, "but we don't allow animals in the theatre."
The man walked around the corner of the building and stuffed the chicken in to his pants.
He returned to the ticket window, brought a ticket, entered the theatre, and sat down.
The chicken started to get hot, so the man - figuring it was OK because it was dark - unzipped his pants to let the chicken stick its head out.
The woman sitting next to him looked down in horror.
She nudged her friend Amanda, and whispered, "Amanda, this man beside me just unzipped his pants."
Amanda replied, "Oh, don't worry. Just ignore him. If you've seen one, you've seen them all."
The woman whispered back, "I know, I know. But this one's eating my popcorn."
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